Raising Independent Children

My husband and I established very early on that we were going to raise our children to be as independent as possible, mainly out of necessity —  he worked nights and I worked crazy hours at the time, they really needed to know how to do things for themselves because it was no telling when mommy was going to be home and daddy was asleep because he’d worked all night — but also because we don’t want them to be dependent on people especially if they have their faculties and are able to do for themselves

I often sit back a watch some of my other mommy friends interact with their little ones. Many of their children are younger than mine, so I often find myself walking down memory lane, reminiscing about when mines were toddlers still filled with innocence, wonderment, and curiosity. Having to show them how to do things and every new thing they learned excited them.

In our house, once you learned to walk, you began learning how to do things for yourself.  We stopped carry them and being pushed in the stroller happened less and less — they had to use them legs. My youngest started walking at 8 months, I remember it taking forever to walk with him to the corner store, we had to walk so sloooowww, with his little legs trying to keep up. But he did, all of them did.

Those days were the beginning for them, learning to be not only independent but also self-sufficient.

As parents, it breaks our heart to see our children struggle, especially when they’re small, as they get older sometimes it’s just easier and faster for mom to do it, but ultimately, our goals as parents is to raise children who are independent, able to do things for themselves, and if they don’t know how to do something, they aren’t afraid to ask for help, either.

Here are a few tips to help you let your children be a little more independent:

Start teaching independence at an early age

There are many age-appropriate ways to teach young children how to be more independent. Toddlers can learn to clean up after themselves by cleaning up their area after meal time. Allow young school age children pick out their own clothes for school. Let children make a simple lunch or snack by themselves (with adult supervision, of course).

Finding small things your young child can do by themselves or with little supervision helps boost their confidence and give them a sense of independence.

Allow children to figure some things out on their own

A lot of times we want our children to do things the way we do them. It’s like we have the experience to know how to do something and our way is the only way to get it done, but this attitude can stifle children at times.

You will be so amazed how an inexperienced mind translates an established activity. Children can offer a fresh take that you never even thought about because you were so busy doing things the way you’ve always done them.  

After all, it’s about letting them find out what works for them.

On that same note,

Let them make mistakes

Teaching my children how to cook is one of those things where I’d push them out of the way if I felt they were going to make a mistake, until I realized that if they did make a mistake, that mistake, becames a part of their experience, and with that experience, they’re better equipped to make better decisions next time the same or similar situation arose.  

Mistakes are some of life’s best teachers and while we parents don’t want our children to feel like failures, making mistakes are a part of the lifelong learning we all experience.

It’s important for children to know that it isn’t about making mistake as much as it is about learning from the mistake.

It’s more than teaching, it’s mentoring

As your children get older, you will find yourself stepping out of the teacher role from the toddler and early childhood years and stepping into the role of mentor, where you’ll be shaping them into the adults they’ll become. They’ll look to you for your take on situations, instead of looking to you to teach them about the way things work.

This is a turning point for the independent child, they’ll gain more independence to make their own decisions, based on their own experiences and outlook of the world.

You can take the mentoring role with younger children, too, just not to the same degree as with older children.

Have patience

 We may want our children to learn something new the first time around, but truth be told it may take some time for your child to learn a new skill. If you understand this from the beginning you find it easier when working with them.

 Look, it’s frustrating when you’re giving your all to teach your child something new; children learn by doing — over and over again, this can sometimes take a toll on the parent’s patience.  But what you can’t do is let the frustration cause you to lose your patience or worst your temper. It will be a better learning / teaching experience for and your child if you keep a cool head. When you’re feeling your patience wearing thin, take a step back and let your child try it on their own (if they’re ready), or you both take a break, then revisit it when you both calmed down.  

Communication is key

The parent-child relationship is no different from other human relationships — communication is key for the best experience. Have open and honest communication with your children. Let them know what is expected and what they can expect. Of course, have age appropriate conversation, but don’t sugar coat your words. Children aren’t stupid and they understand a lot more than we like to give them credit for.

Don’t forget listening is a part of the communication process — active listening is best.

For older children listen more than you talk and try to remember their outlook is based off of their experiences, not yours.

Guide them with your experiences and understandings, but don’t come down on them if they choose differently than you would.

In conclusion,

Independence for children is different for every family. Your five year old may be allowed to do something that another parent may never let their five years old do, or you may give your teenager more freedom than others parents would, and that’s okay. No two families are alike

Raising an independent child is about the child and their readiness, and in some cases, the necessity to be independent.

Children don’t become independent overnight, they’ll still need your guidance more often than not, but you can rest assure that they’ll be ready for whatever life throws at them.

May God be with until we meet again.