where have you been?

Where have I been

where have you been?

If you follow me on social media you know that I’ve lost my husband, Paul, back in November very unexpectedly, which has made it very hard for me to return to “life as usual,” but even before then, I asn’t around here much because…well, life.

This time last year everything was good, everything seemed to be falling into place. My marriage was good. My kids were thriving. I was…well, I wasn’t where I thought I should be, but God was working on me and I was all to willing to turn my will over to Him. However, two weeks into June our utilities were shut off, meaning gas and electricity. Money was tight and wee fell behind on bills and before we could get back on track we were sitting in the dark. Thank God it was the beginning of summer, so heat wasn’t necessary, and if you live in the northeast, you’ll remember there was a heatwave during this time, so a cold shower was welcomed, but not pleasant.

I’m a true believer that God places people in your life for a reason. If it wasn’t for our upstairs neighbors it would’ve been much harder than it was. See, we lived on the first floor of a two-family house. Under the kitchen window on the exterior of the house there was an outlet we thought was ours. Turns out it was our upstairs neighbor. They allowed us to use the plug, we was able to plug in a lamp, heat some water, use the pressure cooker for hot meals, charge our phones and tablets. For the next three-and-a-half month, we was without our own utilities. Only a very small few knew our plight.

It’s in your trials, in your wilderness, that God shows you just how powerful He is.

After months of trying to find a job, I was bless with employment. This helped us bet back on track. Things started to look up. Also going back to work really helped with my depression. I wasn’t working where I would’ve like, but I was grateful that I was contributing.

What’s weirde, as I look back on it now, there was time when the kids would get upset about the situation, I would tell them even though things were bleak at the moment, they could be worst; as long as we were together, we were alright. And they did get worst.

Despite the situation, I enjoy the summer of no utilities. We spend time together. We learned how to get through with little. There are people who find themselves in the same predicament and they can’t cope. They just fall apart, but we’ve been through some stuff and we know how to deal with some hardships.

After three-and-a-half lloooonnnnggggg months, we were finally able to get our stuff back on. That day was the happiest we’d been in months, no lie. It was funny how the kids was running around making sure they turned everything off; chastising one another if a light was left on in an empty room.

We were still happy to have utilities 5 weeks later. We were grateful to be delivered from the summer of no utilities when tragedy stuck.

It was a Sunday. I went to church. The kids stayed home with Paul because he wanted to spend time with them. After church, a sister wanted me to go shopping with her. She needed somethings up for the Thanksgiving dinner the church was making for the community. At first I told her no, but as she pulled up in front of my house  I changed my mind. I didn’t even go in; It’s not a day since that I wish I just stuck to what that “no.”

I didn’t him. And it’s so crazy because always call. I didn’t have a phone, but the sister did and I just didn’t think to call. But I’m told he called my pastor at 4:45pm, I walked in the door at 5:05pm, some time in those twenty minutes he died.

When I walked in the house  was already preparing myself to hear his mouth about staying out all day and not calling. But when I walked in the house and into the living room and he hadn’t come out of the bedroom I know something was wrong. I could just feel it. I walked into the bedroom he was laying across the bed, it almost looked like he was asleep, but I could tell he wasn’t asleep. I called him a few times, came out of the room, told the kids that he wasn’t responding and grabbed the phone to call 9-1-1.

The dispatcher tried to walk me through CPR, but the signs were already there that he was gone. But I went along with it anyway, if there was a small chance life could be brought back.

Once the first responders arrived and took over life saving measure, I went into the living room, called my pastor and begin to pray. Holding my boys in each arm. My daughter distraught in her room. In no time my pastor was there, so was the sister I was with earlier in the day.

Before I knew it Paul was on the stretcher being rushed to the hospital. He was on a machine that was moving oxygen through his body, but his heart wasn’t beating. At the hospital the doctor worked on him for a while, like 45 minutes, but it wasn’t meant to be. He left this earth November 12, 2017.

I wish I could say it was all a blur, but I can’t. I remember every detail, every smell, everything I seen, every sound, every thought. Have you ever had so many feelings you become numb. You’ve might have heard people talk about the sense of lost being great; sense of lost is a real feeling, like a hole in the pit of your gut, like something missing.

Making calls to family and friends those first hours after it happened is really tough. The thing that really mad it real for me was buying the outfit to bury him in, it’s like, “wow, this is the last thing I will ever see him in. The last thing I will ever buy him.”

It has been truly hard. I was with Paul since I was 19 years old. When he died I was 36. I was with him for 17 years, married for 9 of those years. I had talked to him every days since the day we met. We moved in together 3 months after our first date, since that time I was only away from him 12 days, but it’s probably 10 days. So to say life has been an adjustment is an understatement because I don’t know much time without him.

Wh had so many dreams, so much to accomplish. We so looked forwarded to being a couple with adult children and the freedom tthat came with it. Death wasn’t part of the plan, but I guess it never is.

So where have I been? I’ve been trying to get acclimated with my new life. Trying to hold it together. It has been 7 months without my husband, partner, best friend, confidante. It’s so lonely, but God is with me, comforting me through.

I hope to get back to blogging more regularly over the next few weeks. I want to try new things like videos, social media streaming, and podcasting.

Please pray my strength.

May God be with you until we meet again.

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