Out with the old, in with the new
It is now 7:20 pm on NYE 2014, I’m looking back on the year, reflected on the ups and downs, laughter and tears, you know all the stuff that makes life worthwhile. I really want 2015 to be the year where I break out of my shell and be who I was created to be. What I learned in the past two years, especially in 2014, is that not being yourself is the second worst thing that you can do. The worst is to ignoring God when he is speaking. I’ve learned both these lessons the hard way, mainly because I’m hard headed, and I don’t listen. Unfortunately, common sense is something I have, but not something I always use.
2014 is the year when I was forced to look at myself and acknowledge what I have become. Through my actions and words, I’d become someone that I am ashamed of. On NYE 2012, at watch night service, Pastor preached about Joshua and the wall of Jericho. How Joshua and the Israelite army walked around the wall 13 times before the Wall of Jericho fell. Pastor went on to say, that 2013 was the year that God will break the walls down in our lives so that He can body build us up. In that year, God did just what he said he would do. The funny thing about God is that He never tells you his full plan. That year God did break down a wall in my life, a wall that should not have been there in the first place, a wall that He told me to stop building, but I did the worst thing you could do, I didn’t listen, and because I didn’t listen, like Jonah, God had to show me that He is in control, and if tell you to do something or not do something you better take heed. God came in with hurricane force winds, territorial rains, earth shattering power and knock that wall down. When He did there was nowhere for me to hide, He had put me on blast.
By the time Nye 2013, rolled along I was grateful that the wall, that I built so foolishly, was gone but dealing with the aftermath of the fall of the wall has been the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my entire life. If 2013 was the year that the wall came down, 2014 was the year for cleanup, clearing out the rubble and debris to prepare for the rebuilding of me. Let me tell you, clean up is hard. It’s hard work and heavy emotional lifting. I had to take a hard look at myself and put my big girl drawers on and own up to my shit. Some days, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Some days I didn’t think I would make it. But life is good in the fact that they are enough good days peppered in with the bad days, that they make the not so good days, easier to swallow. I’m still in cleanup mode, but it is a more of an organize effort because the garbage is in more manageable piles as opposed being scattered, making cleaning up frantic and all over the place.
I believe that 2015 is the year I start the rebuilding process. I don’t know how long rebuilding will take, I’m just glad that I find myself here. It has taken me 2 and a half hours to write these few paragraphs, it is know 9:55 pm Nye 2014. All in all I am surrounded by my husband and children, so I’m good. Life is hard, but it is good. My eyes are no longer shut wide open, God had mercy on me despite all my flaws and faults. For that, I am truly grateful.
In a little more than 2 hours, this year will be through. My next breath isn’t promised to me so I won’t welcome 2015 just yet. I will welcome the fact that I will be a better me because of 2014 and I pray that I can show and prove just how much better a person I am in 2015.
May God be with you until we meet again.