The Struggle Is Real: Grief, Depression, and Restoration
Hey guys, sorry I’ve been away for so long. This new life is hard, harder than i could have ever imagined. But praise God, I’m back.
As you can tell from the title of this post, (which hopefully I can turn into a series of post) I will be open and transparent about my struggles, with the hope of helping someone in similar circumstances.
The last time I posted in February, I was days away from reentering the workforce full time. Before this, I hadn’t worked full time since my second child was born 11 years earlier. At that time, I had a husband who was there to help out around the house, help keep our children in line, be a listening ear when work days were tough, and a laughing partner when funny stuff happened at work. But, he’s no longer around and neither is the support he provided. Which on most days is difficult to come to terms with.
In the five months I’ve been working, I’ve been struggling to find ways to balance single-parenting, grieving, widowhood, functioning as a depressive, blogging, and creating.
Honestly, it has been overwhelming. Having to do it ALL by myself, in the way I came to be by myself, never having to do it all by myself before Novemebr 12, 2017 is a struggle. So many days I just want to give up, not try, not live. If it wasn’t for my children, I don’t think I would do anything, I would have happily withered away into nothingness months ago.
Having to live this new life, I didn’t ask for, didn’t want, SUCKS big time. I HATE IT!!! so much.
Just when I think I’m done with it, it doesn’t just creep up on me, no, it falls on me like a barrel of cinder blocks crushing me. Ripping me raw, with no one here help dig me out.
Then comes the depression. Depression is RELENTLESS!!!
Especially when it’s coupled with grief, them two together, whew chile, my limited vocabulary cannot even explain the darkness they bring; the state they put me in.
I know what some of you Christians are going to say, set your mind on the God, He is your strength in time like this. But you know what, forget y’all, for real. I know this, but me and God have a “love-don’t like” relationship right now. I know He will always love me, but I don’t like what He allowed to happen. Yes, I still love Him, I just don’t like His divine providence at the moment. There I said it.
Know what else I don’t like, the idea of restoration. I see it all over social media, GoD WilL rEsTorE evErYthInG tHat yOU lOsS.
Tell me how restoration will work for me?
Unless I’m gonna get me a Lazarus moment, tell me how He’ll restore what I loss? I don’t want a new husband, I want the one I had. So I’m guessing no restoration for me, huh?
The thought of restoration is foreign to me right now, that doesn’t mean the it will always be, but right now I just don’t see it.
I’m just so over it.
Hopefully over the next few weeks and post, I can figure some things out and make since of some things. I just some sense of normalcy, whatever that is now.
Please if you read this post, share words of encouragement, not sugar coated advice and rhetoric, but heart felt encouragement and support because I need it. It would be greatly appreciated.
May God be with you until we meet again.