Spiritual Growth

From Mess To Message

mess-to-message

How has God turned your mess into your message? Share your testimony.

May God be with you until we meet again.

My Journey of self-improvement begins with being asked one question–how has that affected your life?

Even without knowing the full conversation in which the question was asked, you can still see how it can invoke a moment of self-reflection.

In my attempt to step out of the question’s spotlight, I answered quickly without any conviction, “my life hasn’t been affected by the experience at all.”

Wow, writing that just now made me realize just how naive I sounded. Of course, my experiences have affected my life, I just didn’t know it at the time.

Weeks and even months before I was asked the life-changing question, I’ve been going through a self-reflective stage in my life. I was forced to see myself through someone else’s eyes. Having someone tell me what I am,  honestly, unapologetically, is painful, gut-wrenching. It knocked the air right out of me.

At first, I was defensive, I’d lash out in anger, I’d feel attacked, so I’ll cry, scream and holler. I was a ball of emotions. When I’m emotional I’m unpredictable, irrational.  The more I fought the truth, the truth that something wasn’t right with me, the more blinded I became by my emotions. I needed to accept what I was before I could get to a place where I needed to be.

Finally, exhausted in every way, mentally, physically, spiritually, I turned to the Father and asked Him what was going on, why am I the way that I am?

Sometimes He’s slow to answer, but this time, he answered me swiftly. I think God was waiting for me to seek Him for the answer.

“You, you have an emotional disorder.”

Not too long before this happens I promise myself that I would never again be so caught up in my mess that I couldn’t hear Him speak to me. This time when He spoke I listened.

Just like that, instantly, for the first time in months, I felt a peace about me. There was a transformative energy surrounding me. The One who’d made me, the One who makes no mistakes said, “there is something wrong, but here’s a light to help you see with your own eyes what that is.”

That was my aha moment, I accepted my shortcomings, my flaws, my failures, my mistakes. I prayed and researched and found out some things about myself, about handling my emotions and mental health in general.

Armed with this new realization, a renewed sense of self-awareness, but more importantly, a feeling of self-acceptance. I felt ready to take on the world. I was more emotionally sound than I have been in months. I felt better equipped to handle confrontations. While I still have trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings, I better understand me, so I can better convey my needs.

As the weeks moved along, I passed some but, failed many of the tests put before me. All too often my emotional state wins over my calm rational state. It’s frustrating, to say the least, for all parties involved. It feels like one step forward five steps back. (It still feels this way at times.) Progress is slow as it should be, but it’s progress none the less. I’m in a decent place with myself, far from where I need to be, but definitely not where I was weeks ago. I’m metamorphosing, changing, on the inside, my mindset, my thought pattern, I’m different. Even though I don’t always act like it. Sometimes it’s much easier to act the way you are expected to act, then to act the way you should. Nonetheless, I’m good, thank you, Lord.

In the days and weeks that followed, I’ve reflected on the state of my life. I was a mess, a mess that I created, but I am determined to turn my mess into my message. I’m determined to be a better person for my husband, my children, myself, but most importantly, for God.

Sometimes I don’t get it right, but I’m surrounded by people who love me, who wants me to do better, be better. I have to be better for them, I’m here to declared I won’t let who I was, dictate who I am. With God’s help, I will emerge better, I’m certain of this.

We all find ourselves in a mess, sometimes created by others in our life, but most of the time created by the self alone, but because the God’s mercy and grace, we can get back up when we fall.

How has God turned your mess into your message? Share your testimony.

May God be with you until we meet again.

 

 

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x